Being in a relationship takes its toll on you. This isn't the nicest way to start this blog post but it is true. You have less time for your projects, for your career, for your friends, your education, you have to cope with not only your problems but also your partner's problems.
It's frustrating at times but, in theory, it should be worth it. You have someone there for you when you're down, someone to take with you traveling, someone to share the good and the bad moments. In my case, this wasn't happening. Mostly because of me and my will of being ahead of everyone else, I've placed my relationship as a second priority, while focusing on my career and on my studies.
I was fortunate enough to spend 3 years in a relationship with a beautiful woman, that happens to be one of the best artists I know. We had extremely happy moments, and also extremely bad moments. Moments when I should have been there for her and I wasn't, moments when I ignored her needs because I needed every second of the day to build my career. Bottom-line, I was barely a legal adult, my hormones were all over the place and I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship with her.
I've grown up since, I've made myself a worthy asset in several software projects, I make good money for someone my age, I've gotten my degree in Software Engineering and I'm in a good place to make a relationship my #1 priority now.
Unfortunately, it seems like it is too late. It took me a long while to get here, to acknowledge how I was a brilliant person business wise, but the shitiest person feelings wise. I have extreme difficulties sharing my feelings, even with my better half, and to top it all off I ignored her needs for a long time. It took me almost 3 years to make myself believe that this is in fact a serious problem, something I need to work on, that this is something that has to be fixed, and in the meantime I've hurt the one person I should've been making happy all along.
Now that I have the money to take her traveling with me, to buy her stuff that she wishes to have, now that I have the willingness and the time to make her my priority and to work hard to fix my problems, she wants out, she has had enough of being hurt, of being left alone, of not being treated as she deserves.
This is a very frustrating situation and the timing could not have been worse. We have paid vacations to go to the sunny Algarve for one week and I was finally able to mentally commit to making her the happiest woman on this planet. Whenever I set my mind to something I'm usually able to accomplish it, and this was it. We agreed that we would go for one last try, to either make it or break it, I could see us having the happiest future together and I would be fighting tooth and nail for it. She changed her mind. It is three years too late for it, I know, but now I have everything I need to make it happen and there's nothing more frustrating than being ready to finally make it work and be denied that opportunity.
This whole situation saddens me not because I'm scared of being alone, but mostly because, as Jack Johnson puts it, things are always better when we're together.
We are two very unique people, we share a lot of the same entrepreneurial drive to make a spot for ourselves in our respective industries and not depend on anyone but us. On the other hand we also complete each other's weak spots, in the sense that I'm more of a analytical thinker, and she is more of a creative thinker. We didn't fit together like two pieces of puzzle at first, but we've worked together to smooth out the edges of the puzzle and there was definitely some slow but steady progress throughout the years.
It got to the time where slow and steady wasn't winning the race. I was ready to speed up the pace, and use my laser-focus attention to try my best to make her as happy as she truly deserves. Unfortunately life doesn't always turn out to be what you want it to be, it messes up with your plans and ambitions. Most importantly, life isn't easy. Relationships aren't easy. They take a lot of effort. Even the couples that have been together for years had their bad times, their share of pain. Nothing in life is worth it if it is easy, you need to endure the pain to get to see the sun shining after the storm.
To anyone reading this, please don't let this happen to you. There's is no such thing as a time to focus on your career and a time to focus on your relationship. You can do both. Most importantly, let your partner in the loop. Don't hide whatever you're feeling from them. They're there to help you and you're not supposed to endure it alone. That's exactly the point of a relationship. It took me 3 years to get it, but I finally got it.
This whole post wasn't an easy thing to write and at this point I just wish the future happens to grant me the opportunity to make things right with her. If it doesn't, then this should make for a good "note to self" if I ever again try to mentally justify that a career or whatever else is worthy of ruining your happiness with someone you love.